As you get closer to announcing your candidacy for President, I suggest the following guidelines based on your experiences during the past few years:
IGNORE THE PRESS: Never return their phone calls and always refuse to comment on anything, unless its something you are desperately trying to get covered – like how you enjoy reading decorating magazines. Otherwise, strictly enforce a no press and no camera rule at all public events. You don’t owe them anything – they’re just a bunch of vultures looking to catch you in a mistake or scandal. Don’t hand them anything. And let them figure out what happens when there are negative stories about you.
BASH THE PRESS: On certain unavoidable issues that must be addressed in the press, send in your alter ego, the obnoxious and unprofessional Philippe Raines, for example, to intimidate and ridicule your adversaries, no matter who they are. He’ll e-mail “F— You” to anyone in town, just like he’s done before.! They’ll think twice before they take you on again. ( At first, it may seem demeaning to have a person like you – of such stature – allow this kind of immaturity and crassness, but they deserve it)
MANIPULATE THE PRESS: USE PEOPLE MAGAZINE TO SELL THE NEW “SOFTER” HILLARY AND BUILD UP CHELSEA’S IMAGE: They’ll take whatever you give them and make it extremely flattering. No questions asked. They did a great job covering Charlotte’s birth and the book launch. So what if they didn’t sell many magazines? The covers were great. And they are always willing to come out in the middle of the night to photograph Chelsea’s wonderful and selfless charitable work. People Magazine is #1!
SAY NOTHING THAT ISN’T SCRIPTED:
Otherwise, they’ll tangle you up and cause you to make mistakes – especially when you’re tired. That’s what happened with the “dead broke” thing. Diane Sawyer just pushed you. So stay away from spontaneous remarks completely. Read your speeches, practice your responses, and that’s it. Don’t ever answer a question that you haven’t prepared for. These people are out to get you…..
NO MORE TALK ABOUT MONEY: The Press just doesn’t understand that the Clintons are different kinds of millionaires. You’re not like the average riche hedge fund guys who don’t pay their share of taxes. (Of course, make no comment on Chelsea’s husband, the hedge fund manager who lost so much money a few weeks ago.That is completely off limits ) The Press just doesn’t understand that you really were Dead Broke. The fact that you owned two houses worth more than $5 million and had more than $10 million in income didn’t mean they weren’t in debt. Hell-o…..The fact is that you and Bill showed up for work every day and paid off every last dollar. But the press still doesn’t get it.
KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAITH: Always make sure the press understands your Methodist upbringing and how its
the basis for your faith,your compassion, and your concern for everyone on the planet.
(This is completely separate from getting
even with the lowlives who would not
support you. They deserve what they get.)
HIDE WHEN EMBARRASSING ETHICAL ISSUES ABOUT THE CLINTON FOUNDATION ARE RAISED BY THE PRESS: When claims about conflicts-of-interest caused by donations to the Clinton Foundation by foreign governments and corporations are raised, go AWOL for a few months. The press has a very short attention span and they’ll get over it. And, likewise, under no circumstances should you ever respond to any questions whatsoever about any ethical problems involving your your brothers. They’re just trying to make a buck. But the press is out to get them, too and nothing you say will help. Who do these people they think they are, anyway?
EMBELLISH YOUR BIOGRAPHY No one’s going to look back into every detail of the last 60 years, for heavens sake!. So, for example, tweet about how you shook hands with MartinLuther King and how he encouraged you to stay engaged when you were in High School. Very few people will go back to your own biography from 2008 and notice that you never mentioned the handshake and the encouragement in any way whatsoever. Or that you were mixed up on the dates that you said you heard him. And if someone does challenge you, just do what you did about your earlier fake claim that you were named after Sir Edmund Hillary. Just send out a press release saying that it is no longer the case. No problem. It goes away.
GET EVEN with every last political figure who endorsed Obama in 2008 instead of you. No opportunity is too small, no slight too long ago, no place too far to go. What’s important is to NEVER, ever forget. There’s no statute of limitations here. It may be 2015 but there’s still many more to annihilate – and they know who they are.
And, no need to get your own hands dirty. Bill can be an effective enforcer and can use his unique star power to endorse the opponents of your enemies and instigate negative press about them – even in the most insignificant races. They’ll understand what’s happening! Just ask former Congressman Patrick Murphy, who Bill campaigned against and publicly “stared down” in Pittsburgh because he didn’t support you in 2008.. Take that!
KEEP YOUR ENEMIES LIST UPDATED: They deserve the last ring n Dante’s Inferno, the one reserved for Traitors. -like those who dared to support Obama after you or Bill had done favors for them. These ingrates will have to pay – even if its way down the line. Richard Nixon could take a page from you.
Let folks out there know that there are consequences. Make sure that it’s public knowledge that you obsessively keep permanent records of your enemies and that you will track down every last one until there is retribution. This is important to discourage others and keep discipline for the future. What goes around comes around. They screw you, you screw them.
That should just about do it, Hillary. But I think you’ve already got it down.